What amazes me is how many of my friends, who I consider to be somewhat intelligent, send me these things. Are you for real? You really think these messages are legit?! Granted some of them almost sound plausible, but I'm fairly certain that if Pizza Hut was giving out 1 million free pizzas at 2:00 on Wednesday morning, they're not going to be spreading the information via some viral e-mail message. I could be wrong, but somehow I doubt it.
Here are some of the most recent warnings (Danger Will Robinson! Danger!) and too good to be true messages I've received from people of above average intelligence.
- Ericcson T18 & R320 Laptop Promotion: All I have to do is forward the e-mail on to 8 of my nearest and dearest friends and Ericcson will send me a FREE LAPTOP!!! Sadly, if I did that not only would I not receive a free laptop, but I would probably lose 8 friends. Do people really think that Ericcson is giving away computers in order to boost their brand presence? Hellloooooo people!! There would be no need for you to BUY an Ericcson computer if they were giving them away. BTW the Ericcson T18 is a cell phone, not a laptop.
- Onions Placed Throughout Your House Will Fight the Swine Flu Virus: And garlic wards off vampires. The onions supposedly act as sponges and suck up the virus. Go ahead and decorate your house with onions if you want, but your best bet is to just wash your hands well. And often.
CitiBank is Updating Your Records: Apparently due to a large number of identity theft attempts, I need to click on a link and update my account information. Ummm. Yeah. Right. Sure I'll just click any link that comes sneaking into my inbox and pass along my private information. Surprisingly enough, some people do. Besides I don't even have an account with CitiBank!!!
- Swiffer WetJet Deadly to Pets: If I use the Swiffer WetJet to clean my floors, my pets will die. Actually, no, they won't. Even if they lick the floor while it's still wet, they won't die. It probably doesn't taste so great, but it's not going to hurt them. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not going to let my pets drink the Swiffer fluid, but I'm not killing them by mopping my floor.
- "Eating Five Pounds of French Fries a Day Will Increase Your Life by 50 Years!!!" Scientists at the Idaho Institute of Potato Technology have completed a 15 year study and discovered that if a person eats five pounds of french fries per day, they can increase their life by 50 years!!! The study was conducted on 6,234 randomly selected individuals found frequenting McDonalds and Burger Kings in over 200 cities. Dr. Imma Tater was quoted as saying, "The study revealed that eating potatoes cooked in other processes did not result in the same longevity. We suspect the results are due to the high volume of Polyethylsucrosetrateizine that is used in keeping frozen french fries from spoiling." (Dissasociated Press)
- "Working in Front of a Small Computer Monitor for More than Two Hours Causes Baldness!!!" People in Kyrgystan have been reported as going bald from working in front of a small (less than 30 inches) computer monitor for more than two hours per day!!! The people protested to their government and a law was passed making it illegal for a company to have employees work in front of computer monitors smaller than 30 inches. All businesses have been ordered to replace computer monitors by the end of the year!!! (Society of Silly and Stoopid Scientists)
- "Centipede Living in Hippy's Dreds!!!" A Boulder woman found a centipede living in her dreadlocks. Oh man, this is gross!! She told her friends that she had had dreds for like three years and she thought she wasn't supposed to ever wash her hair so she didn't. And then she felt something in her hair and it was a centipede! Her name was Bluesky Flower and she said she and her friends had heard that centipedes liked living in dreadlocks but she didn't think she had any. Her friends started looking in their dreds and they all had them too!! Spread this around so people with dreds will know its dangerous to wear them!!! (HippyHappy.com)
- "Petition to Make Summers Longer" A group of concerned citizens are petitioning to make summer longer. The summers are too short and they want more warm and sun, so please sign this petition and pass it on to everyone in your e-mail list!!! If there are 6 gazillion signatures by noon tomorrow the President will have to declare summer to last at least 10 months and will allocate $587 Billion to the military to change nature so that the temperatures are hot and the sun shines from June to April!! Please help us make summer longer!! Pass this on!!
- "Cookie King uses sand from the Sahara in its Brown Sandie cookies!" Don't buy Cookie King Brown Sandie cookies!!! The company imports sand from oil producing countries and supports terrorism!!! After a little girl ate a box of the cookies she said they tasted "funny" and "dry." Her mother bought another box and took it to the police to have them test it for a foreign substance. The police didn't have the proper laboratory equipment available so the cookies were sent to The University of What's Happening Now for testing. Following the testing, which took six weeks due to the complexity of analyzing the ingredients in the cookies, it was determined the cookies contained sand from the Sahara Desert. When presented with their findings, Cookie King representatives were perplexed. The company spokesman, Dusty Phoode, released the following statement, "Our company has always used Sahara sand in our Brown Sandie cookies. The sand from West Texas does not possess the highest qualities we require for our product. We are sorry Ms. Canteetjusone was upset by the taste and texture of our product, but we only use the highest quality ingredients. If she prefers her treats to be tasty and moist, perhaps she should try our Gloopy Globs!!!"
And yes, the use of multiple exclamation points is mandatory in these messages. It emphasizes just how important and time sensitive these messages are!!!